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Abbott & Costello Who's On First(?)
[AUTHENTICITY CERTIFIED: Text version below transcribed directly from audio] Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yank's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: I certainly do. Costello: Well, you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, I'll -- I'll tell you their names, but you know, strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names like Dizzy Dean. Costello: His brother Daffy. Abbott: Daffy Dean. Costello: And their French cousin. Abbott: French? Costello: Goofè. Abbott: Goofè Dean! Oh, I see. Well, let's see, we have on the bags -- we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third. Costello: That's what I want to find out. Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third. Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You gonna be the coach too? Abbott: Yes. Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names? Abbott: Well, I should. Costello: Well, then, who's on first? Abbott: Yes. Costello: I mean the fellow's name. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The first baseman. Abbott: Who! Costello: The guy playing -- Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first. Abbott: That's the man's name. Costello: That's who's name? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: That's it. Costello: That's who? Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Who's playing first? Abbott: That's right. Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Abbott: Every dollar of it. Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy that gets the money. Abbott: That's it. Costello: Who gets the money on first -- Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Whose wife? Abbott: Yes.
Abbott: What's wrong with that? Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy. Abbott: Who. Costello: How does he sign his -- Abbott: That's how he signs it. Costello: Who? Abbott: Yes.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base? Abbott: No. What is on second base. Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: One base at a time! Abbott: Well, don't change the players around. Costello: I'm not changing nobody! Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base? Abbott: That's right. Costello: Ok. Abbott: All right.
Costello: I mean what's the guy's name on first base? Abbott: No, what is on second. Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: Oh, he's on third. We're not talking about him. Costello: Now how did I get on third base? Abbott: Why you mentioned his name. Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? Abbott: No. Who's playing first. Costello: What's on first? Abbott: What's on second. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's on third. Costello: There I go, back on third again!
Costello: Look, would you stay on third base and don't go off it. Abbott: All right, what do you want to know? Costello: Now who's playing third base? Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base? Costello: What am I putting on third? Abbott: No. What is on second. Costello: You don't want who on second? Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott & Costello: Third base!!
Costello: Look, you gotta outfield? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The left fielder's name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I just thought I'd ask you. Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya. Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field? Abbott: Who is playing first. Costello: I'm not -- Stay out of the infield!! I wanna to know what's the guy's name in left field? Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first! Costello: I don't know. Abbott & Costello: Third base!!
Costello: And the left fielder's name?! Abbott: Why. Costello: Because! Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield. Costello: %$#^$##!
Costello: Look, look, look -- You gotta pitcher on the team? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The pitcher's name? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You don't want to tell me today? Abbott: I'm telling you now. Costello: Then go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow! Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching! Who is -- Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name? Abbott: What's on second. Costello: I don't know. Abbott & Costello: Third base!!
Costello: Gotta a catcher? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: The catcher's name? Abbott: Today. Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching. Abbott: Now you've got it. Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
Costello: You know I'm a catcher too. Abbott: So they tell me. Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching, tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Abbott: Yes? Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right. Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!!
Abbott: That's all you have to do. Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base. Abbott: Yes! Costello: Now who's got it? Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Naturally? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: No you don't! You throw the ball to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's different. Costello: That's what I said. Abbott: You're not saying that. Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally. Abbott: You throw it to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's it. Costello: That's what I said! Abbott: You ask me. Costello: I throw the ball to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Now you ask me. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's it. Costello: Same as you! Abbott: Don't change it around. Costello: Same as you! Abbott: Go ahead now. Costello: I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow -- triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn! Abbott: What? Costello: I said I don't give a darn! Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop. Costello: %$#^$##!
Page Updated: 9/26/21 U.S. Copyright Status: Text = Uncertain. |
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